not giving up

Not giving up on you, Lord. not giving up on a job with group insurance and a chance at one more pregnancy and healthy birth. i am not giving up. no, not giving up.

from 7 years back, barren

All my life this was a dream, get married have kids
and the perfect dog. Two thirds have come true. No one
except the barren can fully understand. I have my
moments when this "thing" has left me numb. Other
times I feel the razors as they slide across my heart.
Silly how this "thing" does one. Somedays I can brush
comments off. Somedays it is like a noose upon my
neck. And just when you think you have controlled and
tamed it, it lashes back again. Why me God?
Other's approach you with your options. Sounds like
the pain could be lifted. You look into adoption and
the like and that only bites you too... maybe even
harder. Adoption sounds simple. Then you look into the
cost of loving something someone else didn't love or
want and the sting gets you again. I could love this
child completely and totally self says to me. The
sting of finances prevents even the thought. The sore
festers. The soul screams.