cake walk

yesterday, I was sat down by an 80 year old woman after church. she meant no harm other than to have her way.... cake walks are gamblin' and I don't approve of it at the church. in shock, all i could say was gamblin'. i have never heard of that before. apparently her mom raise them strict. i felt sorry for her as she said, they never played cards and Christmas trees should not be in a church. it really made me want to buy her a set of UNO cards for Christmas just for the heck of it. she stumbled to try to make a point of the gamblin' issue saying you walk around and maybe if you land on the number they call, you'll go home with a cake.

(so cindy might go to the football game and cheer for her team and just maybe we will win and if we do, i will go home with a little joy.... is that gamblin' too? Huh? Or what about going into the shoe store only to see a pair on sale plus you got another 20% off, is that gamblin' cause you got more than you thought or more than you deserve?)

i was polite, yet in the end it was fairly clear that her way was right and i felt judged. clearly life for her has been no cake walk. i know that this lady may have 20 years left or less. i really hope that God has a big surprise at the banquet table just for her.... perhaps he will allow her to do the cake walk.

tired

taking these meds have made me really tired, yet my sinus infection is improving. got to spend some time with our McDonough friends yesterday and made me miss that place some. know we are here for a reason and know that we have not yet finished our purpose. dragging myself out of bed and just around today. really feel medicated. with a cup of coffee in hand, i feel as though i could go to bed now (6;35pm) and sleep through the night and into the next day. wonder about myself though. need to lose this weight and get to a point where i can tone. got a lot to do and don't know where to start and part of me doesn't want to.

string bikini

diverted eye so easily. wanting to do right but thinking that good is best. when best and good are not even related. got opportunity around and seems so right. why would i be left in this desert. money's gone and seems no hope. saw a string bikini in the distance. seems good for the moment and we move that way. just want a chance to get wet for the day. loving the sun and hating the drought. hating the moving and wanting to plant... but wondering if this is it. saw where i was and miss parts of it a bunch. just can't imagine what God has in store. wanting it all, all the more. why didn't i do more at avalon.

death of pride

broken spirit over something said. trying my best to be everything i can for God. didn't know this would mean walking on eggshells and pretending. satan winning and i am struggling. i know i am not perfect, why can't they see past my flaws. it gnaws at me. i feel my flesh crawl. makes me angry and sad and want to die. wish they could see the other side.

high heel shoe

got her feelings on her shoulder, wanting to be and dress who she is... simple. got her rules and restrictions not allowing her to be. she changes her wardrobe for the 99th time. Sunday is tomorrow. the sogga unfolds again. she knows that what she is wearing isn't for Him anymore. the crowd looks on expectantly. hair all fixed and makeup piled to hide the brokenness inside her heart. she knows that today will be "the day" that she has been waiting for.... the day the pain will cease. she wears her pointy high heels and blood red lipstick. she receives her compliments with ease.... yet her mind wonders of the jeers of what would have been if she wore outfit 33. she returns home and cooks and cleans and then when the slumber of the day peeks.... it is time. she goes to the laundry room and throws herself onto her high heels. the blood spills and her pain has now ceased.

not giving up

Not giving up on you, Lord. not giving up on a job with group insurance and a chance at one more pregnancy and healthy birth. i am not giving up. no, not giving up.

from 7 years back, barren

All my life this was a dream, get married have kids
and the perfect dog. Two thirds have come true. No one
except the barren can fully understand. I have my
moments when this "thing" has left me numb. Other
times I feel the razors as they slide across my heart.
Silly how this "thing" does one. Somedays I can brush
comments off. Somedays it is like a noose upon my
neck. And just when you think you have controlled and
tamed it, it lashes back again. Why me God?
Other's approach you with your options. Sounds like
the pain could be lifted. You look into adoption and
the like and that only bites you too... maybe even
harder. Adoption sounds simple. Then you look into the
cost of loving something someone else didn't love or
want and the sting gets you again. I could love this
child completely and totally self says to me. The
sting of finances prevents even the thought. The sore
festers. The soul screams.