who am i

hating this shell of who i am and longing to be some other place. wanting desparately to smile again. depressed and stuck with this person staring back at me. can't breathe. wondering who i am and longing to be where YOU want me. i keep moving but it is all in vain. picking up clothes only to find them on the floor again, i walk into another room of my life. seems senseless most days. a thousand trips up the stairs should help me to see another person in the mirror of my life. it doesn't but i continue. slap me God and wake me up. wish i could and be there... wherever that is.

what you wanted

sitting here crying to myself. i really know that you have wanted this for awhile. it is always something here, why we couldn't give you what you wanted. i know how badly you want one or both of them. and i do think it would have benefited me for you to have a brother or sister or both of them to play with. hurts me on the inside. now i am older, much heavier and just out of breath at times. wish we could have gone ahead and tried while we could. thought we just couldn't then. want to be able to try to give you that someday. Lord, please don't make him wait much longer. want to give him what he's always wanted.

pile in

little kids all less than 8 playing in the yard. he's got the cool stuff they think. the doorbell rings and they pile in. much more of a host than me, i laugh and learn his ways. he would take them all in if he could. they multiply as my head turns....wondering if their parents know or care where they are. there is a haven here and it is all because of my little kid.

lady with a cape

with a red cape she flies from room to room. trying her best to interperat the piles before her. trying to do it all, she pops a movie in for flash and loading, unloading and packing the clothes. with one red letter upon her chest..... the letter S. back is aching from a miracle birth, she tries not to complain and just to finish her work. duty calls and she must save the day. she's trying to be super mom again today. frustration lies within. she loosens the cape.

half hearing

in and out of listening. i hear bits and pieces of what you have said. feeling like i am part of a whirl wind all over again. hard to sit still. hard to focus. wondering what will happen next, but not focused enough to see. feel like a crazy person most days... saying stupid things. trying to live a life of no regret, i drag my foot across the floor, head low and just doing stuff to do it. wondering who i am and why we are still afloat in this mess. how can i not have my questions and sadness..... needing the sun to warm my face. i hide my head and prepare for yet another day.

man in the stare way

here he comes. all nice and neat. dressed better than i could dress him. eyes on me. i follow him with mine. to the laundry room he goes. i am amazed and impressed. this is just too much for me. loving every bit of it. with a load in tow, up the stair well he goes. still staring at me. with a smirk and a grin i continue to watch tv. no complaints from me.

spiin cycle

been thinking about that sermon today. been feeling out of control for some time now. laundry has been piled up for so long that it needs to be washed again. dryer takes forever. feel like i am running in circles. unloaded the wash to find a big wood chip from the playground. part of me laughs. yep, something else in the wash that shouldn't have been in there. needed a good cleansing myself. if i could just crawl in there for a moment. got to get those splinters out of my eye.

wearing your shoes

wondering just how it would be to be like you, i slip on a pair of shoes you left behind. not to terribly big nor small, i walk a step or two down this long hall. the sensation of wearing yours is fun and interesting at first. reality awakens me. i can't be you. you can't be me. these shoes just don't fit. i slip them off and slide mine on. a little worn out and not attractive, yet amazingly they fit. they are my size and have already conformed to me. soon it will be time for a new pair, but they won't be yours. i can't walk in your shoes.

whine and licker

feeling a little over whelmed. i sit and whine. thought about that cartoon again... with whine (the kid) and licker (the dog). i laugh briefly and now must hurry on. just tired i guess. needing a life change.

seeing the foot of the mountain from the valley below. i look around. do they see me, us? are we really in need? i grab for the rope at the foot of this hill. should i just walk around this mountain or be pulled by the rope holder. i stop. i think. i freeze. suddenly there is a tug at the rope. i gasp for a breath. no time to think now. i am being pulled up now. hey!!!!!!!!! w a i t !!!!!!!! the pulling stops and i begin to be released from the rope. i grab on and say.... go ahead. i am ready to go with YOU.

the dog returns

beating myself up. i did it again. thought i could help my friend out and now i am paying for something i really didn't want or need. thought i learned my lesson before. just shows me that a dog will return to it's vomit. this time. never again.