who am i

hating this shell of who i am and longing to be some other place. wanting desparately to smile again. depressed and stuck with this person staring back at me. can't breathe. wondering who i am and longing to be where YOU want me. i keep moving but it is all in vain. picking up clothes only to find them on the floor again, i walk into another room of my life. seems senseless most days. a thousand trips up the stairs should help me to see another person in the mirror of my life. it doesn't but i continue. slap me God and wake me up. wish i could and be there... wherever that is.

what you wanted

sitting here crying to myself. i really know that you have wanted this for awhile. it is always something here, why we couldn't give you what you wanted. i know how badly you want one or both of them. and i do think it would have benefited me for you to have a brother or sister or both of them to play with. hurts me on the inside. now i am older, much heavier and just out of breath at times. wish we could have gone ahead and tried while we could. thought we just couldn't then. want to be able to try to give you that someday. Lord, please don't make him wait much longer. want to give him what he's always wanted.

pile in

little kids all less than 8 playing in the yard. he's got the cool stuff they think. the doorbell rings and they pile in. much more of a host than me, i laugh and learn his ways. he would take them all in if he could. they multiply as my head turns....wondering if their parents know or care where they are. there is a haven here and it is all because of my little kid.

lady with a cape

with a red cape she flies from room to room. trying her best to interperat the piles before her. trying to do it all, she pops a movie in for flash and loading, unloading and packing the clothes. with one red letter upon her chest..... the letter S. back is aching from a miracle birth, she tries not to complain and just to finish her work. duty calls and she must save the day. she's trying to be super mom again today. frustration lies within. she loosens the cape.

half hearing

in and out of listening. i hear bits and pieces of what you have said. feeling like i am part of a whirl wind all over again. hard to sit still. hard to focus. wondering what will happen next, but not focused enough to see. feel like a crazy person most days... saying stupid things. trying to live a life of no regret, i drag my foot across the floor, head low and just doing stuff to do it. wondering who i am and why we are still afloat in this mess. how can i not have my questions and sadness..... needing the sun to warm my face. i hide my head and prepare for yet another day.

man in the stare way

here he comes. all nice and neat. dressed better than i could dress him. eyes on me. i follow him with mine. to the laundry room he goes. i am amazed and impressed. this is just too much for me. loving every bit of it. with a load in tow, up the stair well he goes. still staring at me. with a smirk and a grin i continue to watch tv. no complaints from me.

spiin cycle

been thinking about that sermon today. been feeling out of control for some time now. laundry has been piled up for so long that it needs to be washed again. dryer takes forever. feel like i am running in circles. unloaded the wash to find a big wood chip from the playground. part of me laughs. yep, something else in the wash that shouldn't have been in there. needed a good cleansing myself. if i could just crawl in there for a moment. got to get those splinters out of my eye.

wearing your shoes

wondering just how it would be to be like you, i slip on a pair of shoes you left behind. not to terribly big nor small, i walk a step or two down this long hall. the sensation of wearing yours is fun and interesting at first. reality awakens me. i can't be you. you can't be me. these shoes just don't fit. i slip them off and slide mine on. a little worn out and not attractive, yet amazingly they fit. they are my size and have already conformed to me. soon it will be time for a new pair, but they won't be yours. i can't walk in your shoes.

whine and licker

feeling a little over whelmed. i sit and whine. thought about that cartoon again... with whine (the kid) and licker (the dog). i laugh briefly and now must hurry on. just tired i guess. needing a life change.

seeing the foot of the mountain from the valley below. i look around. do they see me, us? are we really in need? i grab for the rope at the foot of this hill. should i just walk around this mountain or be pulled by the rope holder. i stop. i think. i freeze. suddenly there is a tug at the rope. i gasp for a breath. no time to think now. i am being pulled up now. hey!!!!!!!!! w a i t !!!!!!!! the pulling stops and i begin to be released from the rope. i grab on and say.... go ahead. i am ready to go with YOU.

the dog returns

beating myself up. i did it again. thought i could help my friend out and now i am paying for something i really didn't want or need. thought i learned my lesson before. just shows me that a dog will return to it's vomit. this time. never again.

clutter

going through your stuff.... getting what i need. feeling victorious. doing what pleases me. some of it can be crazy. i throw stuff all over the bed. in need of organization. that would make things go smoother. i drop the wrapping paper on the floor. can't wait to go on Saturday. i lay down on the clutter and think about my pretties.

a plan

Romans 12:12
"Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always."

thirsty

in the middle of a drought. i hate this mess. it finally began to rain yesterday and has continued on into today. trying to see the bright side of this, i know we need the rain. getting in and out of the car. my hair falls. we rush inside all wet and miserable. dried up and hard. i sit in silence for just a second. Hmm. need rain on the inside too.

want you be my neighbor

sitting and thinking again about my neighbor or the person that I work with. trying to stretch beyond myself and truly understand her situation and her REAL need. knowing this is what we as Christians are supposed to be doing anyway. wish that i could really help her. wish that we could get out of this hard time. let us both see You in all this.

Matthew 6: 34 "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time."

15 dollar mistake

we all do those things sometimes.... the ones without completely thinking. rush in and get this and pick up something extra or having a wild hair and shaving our heads. today was one of those for me. overdue on getting a haircut for months (did i say months?) feed up with it all and wanting something different. guess i got what i was looking for.

we look, but we don't seek. we hear, but we don't listen. don't want my life to be another 15 dollar mistake.

heart burn

song in my head burns in my heart. You can move this mountain. You are mighty to save. mighty to save. forever, author of salvation, You are mighty to save, mighty to save. shine the light and let the whole world see, singing for the glory of the risen King.........

plus one, minus one

remembering the good but hard times. part of me cries, the other part laughs and smiles. saw a kid we knew back then. flashbacks of them on the stage singing plus one. now becoming a famous one on his own. never would have dreamed. same kid, but amazingly mature in Christ. and for some reason he says it was because of us. Needed that, Lord. Yes, we needed that. makes me wonder what i am doing, really doing now. take me out of the picture and remind me of only ONE. plus one, minus one, equals the only ONE.

why me?

had this heaviness on my heart. wondering again, why me? asking God. silence for a moment. reply of why not?

in the ditch

feeling like a failure, that is what he said. knowing good enough that he has done all humanly possible to get out of this rut. wanting to move on, but being trapped in the ditch. needing to forgive that jerk... cause that is all he was. satan wanting him to hold on to that grudge... wanting him to waller in what he feels is failure. God alone seeing him try, but wanting him to release the hurt. how much longer, i beg and plead. just when you think you are driving up hill only to find out you haven't even made it to the hill and your brakes are out. thank You for just getting us this far. done all we can at this point. only You can keep us and move us on or keep us here. frustrated at it. i hear the heartbeat of my son. will you be the only one?

touch

sitting here and smilin' and crying at You. You know the very word of encouragement we needed. keep us moving towards You. i don't understand why we had to leave years ago. only You see it all. ... thought they had forgotten us. people always remember a touch. wonder who i am touching now. said we gave him his first passion tape that changed who he was. now writing and singing like them for You. surely he isn't the only one You have placed us here for. needed this tonight. i know only to sob and look up.

contact

how did he know that we were in need? i really don't know. i do know that he hears Your voice too. silly i know. why did i doubt You. You hear our groans without us saying a word. bless him for his work for You. may we be more observant of our contacts.

regift

sitting here. you've given me something to give. i know where she is. i know how it feels. God has given me much more than i spent. now i will give the rest of the gift.

just tell me

feeling over confident, i smile and say hello. been here all day or so it seems You know. time has passed, we watch them play. sitting down to relieve the ache, i notice it. i've been unzipped all day. pride has come and now my fall

old lady elbows

looking in the mirror, shocked at what i see. old lady elbows. when did i get old. pain of arthritis shooting down my arms and back. i guess i am no longer young. wondering what You think of me. i brush my teeth and smile.

looking at my pretties

sitting here with my box in tow. can't wait to look at all i got. something for little but making me smile. you call it lookin' at my pretties. doesn't hurt me. you'll be surprised. He won't though.... given me a cattle on a thousand hills if we will just ask. i am starting to ask. what about you? selling a cow or two... He's got much more. i smile. looking.......

flea market

walking down the aisles with vendors staring at me, i see you pass me. searching for a little thing that no one seems to sell. i could buy anything, but that will not fill my heart hole. hoping to just give Jesus with his eyes and happy facade, i look and turn away. he missed giving You away.

sightings

God of I did. God of I will. God of I am. i run to You with open arms. seeing I did clearly. looking for the I will. trying to focus on the I am. all around, but do i really see. a glimpse of You.

recycled

the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. you can have more if you spend less. i love the game. i love the search. i love the fruit. Father God, recycle this fruit branch. the branch is attached to the vine. the fruit is attached to the branch.

john 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches."

stretch marks

unsure of myself, my confidence thin. i drive on in a frenzy hoping not to get lost. feel the strain in my arms. i know that it is You. i am being stretched again. moving me from my comfort zone and motivated by something else. plenty of time to get lost. You show up again and tell me "see." mission accomplished thanks to You. i look at my side and see what you have done. don't let these stretch marks be removed.

staring at You

praying and begging You for something that i couldn't do. knew it would have to be You. Your timing is not like mine. You are right on time.... never late, never early. my heart cried and i surely rejoiced inside. You alone know. You alone knew. we stood and waited. we sat and stared. thanks for showing up. thanks for showing out. don't worry. i am going to brag.

Matt. 6:34 (Living) "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at at time."

smells like turnip greens

jumble of stuff lays scattered around. i should be in a hurry today. trying to focus, i yell out Your name. can't miss me with a smell like that. and this time it is not what you are thinking. i am cooking ..... cooking up something in my heart for You. add a little of yesterday and some of today, and we got us a good meal. but that is not what You desire. You don't like leftovers. You want me to shower in You each day. i try not to rush.... but i am busy.... trying not to be too busy for You. in need of a whiff of you.

Father, lead me to Your throne. Your grace, glory and honor be known. Lord,You know just what i need..... all of You and none of me.

in slices

thinking again. my heart is sad. wish You would hurry up. reminded of what was said "i can't love in slices." i chop the onion on the cutting board. it's all or nothing with You. God, how do You love me like that? me wanting only to love the good, You love me through even the bad. with knife in hand, i give You the whole onion.

Romans 8:25 "But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn't happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently."

off the throne

trying not to judge. i step down from my reign. (you would know that forgiveness would be my verse today.) he is taking down more than himself. sin works that way.... never just affects one but any connection that has been made. it is never done and kept secret. i scrape the sand off my own shoe. Father, help me to be wise. And please Lord, don't let me be the judge.

1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong."

skinny on the inside

just thinking about another man's trash. how we often want to just dive in and know it all. wishing that you would just haul it all off for me... to start over. living on little can be nice at times.... makes you feel like a crazy person at other times....makes you feel kind of skinny on the inside. just dig in the depths of me. trying hard to seek. trying hard to reach. please remove this layer between us. i just can't see. i just can't breathe. hey. can you hear me?

clipped and cut

clipped and cut and yes, I am complaining. hate this part of it now. will love it later. encourage the new growth in me, Lord. cut me as short as you need. You alone control the shape i will someday (soon Lord, please) be.

John 15:2 (Living) "He lops off every branch that doesn't produce and he prunes those branches that bear fruit for even larger crops."

the corner of your eye

a million thoughts racing through my head. sometimes it is good that other's don't know it all or see the all of me. vision of black t shirts with white writing of the traumas of each. saw abuse, loneliness, fear, just to name a few in the corner of my eye. glad you see the needs of all. wanting to help that lady so bad. not able to even help myself i reach for You. hands extended and heart poured, i look you dead in the eye. want to cry. thank You for looking at me head on. not with the corner of Your eye.

1Peter 1:6-7a
"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here. These trials are only a test of your faith, to see whether or not it is strong and pure..."

heart bleeds

My heart bleeds. It is hard for me to see beyond today. Saw pics of who I used to be. Know where I would like to be. I smile for a moment. I am not driving. I am being driven. It is hard to "sit" in this seat some days. It is my nature to want to drive. You know. Every moment I must give You control. Here's the keys. I need you to drive. Drive me.