high heel shoe

got her feelings on her shoulder, wanting to be and dress who she is... simple. got her rules and restrictions not allowing her to be. she changes her wardrobe for the 99th time. Sunday is tomorrow. the sogga unfolds again. she knows that what she is wearing isn't for Him anymore. the crowd looks on expectantly. hair all fixed and makeup piled to hide the brokenness inside her heart. she knows that today will be "the day" that she has been waiting for.... the day the pain will cease. she wears her pointy high heels and blood red lipstick. she receives her compliments with ease.... yet her mind wonders of the jeers of what would have been if she wore outfit 33. she returns home and cooks and cleans and then when the slumber of the day peeks.... it is time. she goes to the laundry room and throws herself onto her high heels. the blood spills and her pain has now ceased.

not giving up

Not giving up on you, Lord. not giving up on a job with group insurance and a chance at one more pregnancy and healthy birth. i am not giving up. no, not giving up.

from 7 years back, barren

All my life this was a dream, get married have kids
and the perfect dog. Two thirds have come true. No one
except the barren can fully understand. I have my
moments when this "thing" has left me numb. Other
times I feel the razors as they slide across my heart.
Silly how this "thing" does one. Somedays I can brush
comments off. Somedays it is like a noose upon my
neck. And just when you think you have controlled and
tamed it, it lashes back again. Why me God?
Other's approach you with your options. Sounds like
the pain could be lifted. You look into adoption and
the like and that only bites you too... maybe even
harder. Adoption sounds simple. Then you look into the
cost of loving something someone else didn't love or
want and the sting gets you again. I could love this
child completely and totally self says to me. The
sting of finances prevents even the thought. The sore
festers. The soul screams.

give

Deut. 16:16-17 ....but they must not appear before the Lord without a gift for him. ¹⁷ All must give as they are able, according to the blessings given to them by the Lord your God.

expectations

got this mental image of where i need to be.... running ahead of me. don't know how to get there or how i got here some days. great expectations and disappointment hover close. giving up would be so much easier, so i try not to give in. i shove on with my shovel in tow. guess i am getting a glimpse of how you feel about me. don't give up on me yet, Lord. i am trying. use these feeble attempts to follow you to accomplish your plan.

what God does

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

6 word statements

the great pretender. plays big church. (before)
not nearly perfect. driven by HIM. (after)


not a member.
won't release pew.

found true fulfillment.
followed after God.