end times and pots and pans

knowing now that we are in the end times. the economy, lay offs, political divisions and a great sense of fear. it is like dropping pots and pans on the cement floor. we as Christians know to some extent what lies ahead. we have a hope and should lose the fear. we have a security beyond how death takes us from here. the here is not forever. the there is our permanent place.

30 cents

blissful time in my store again. sooooo much on the 10 cent aisle that i just couldn't function to think properly. my buggy was full and you still couldn't tell that I had gotten anything. too caught up looking at my pretties that i missed what i should have gotten. oh well. live with no regrets.

faith hope love

faith. mustard seed
hope. sparkles or just a glimmer
love. red thread

3 small but very important things that hold a life together. move over duck tape. you got 3 new friends on your shelf.

defeated

things going smoothly are so it seems, he comes with a weapon and spoils the victory. he is quick, he thinks he is smart. he knows your weakness and aims straight for the heart. has you doubting and tries to weaken your faith. he throws the dart. what does he hit? will it be me?

gift

"today is a gift, that is why they call it the present" (line from Kung fu Panda)

oppositiion

from my devotions today (Experiencing God Day by Day)

Don't become discouraged when you face opposition. Opposition may indicate that you are acting in obedience to God. Do not let opposition cause you to doubt God's will. Examine your heart. If you have done what you know He has asked you to do,, trust Him to see you through the antagonism that comes from those who are no walking with Him.

intentional

sometimes i just got to vent. we don't always do things from our hearts. we don't always do things with our intentions or a purpose. we are not intentional. today i want to reach down deep and realize my motivations. want to be intentional with what i do and how i do it. what are my intentions? do i have a purpose for what i do?

letting you in

doing my doggie walk about and talking in my head. got this thing on my heart and just need to let it out or let you in. frustrated with my own defect and feel it is limiting my success. i know that staying where i am is hendering the best that you have for me. duties call so i must leave.

the undesirables

driving home from Nathan's school and all tuned in to my happy day cd. got this thing in my head and it just keeps coming up. the undesirables. God chooses the normals, the average joes and sometimes the undesirables to reach us and for us to reach. don't know why such the time is now, maybe it has always been that He would choose an undesirable as me.

guard up

guess i have had my guard up and just expecting something. heard my son read to me tonight. yes, jack and jilly can play according to their journal books. just want major progress with the rest of my life. Lord, you know we need the house to sell and that we need health insurance and me back to work. see the feble attempts to serve you as an offering back to you.

verses

Joel 1:12
And the people’s joy has dried up with them.

Proverbs 29:18
When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful.

truly glad

1 Peter 1:6-7
"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here. These trials are only a test of your faith, to see whether or not it is strong and pure..."

snakes and crazy dreams

one of those mornings waking with memories of my crazy dreams... betrayal of a friend and green garden snakes striking back. coffee on the way in just a moment... i shake my head. sometimes, Lord, i wish you couldn't see what goes on in this nappy head. makes me wonder who i really am.

this ain't nowhere

back tracking and searching my heart.... 10 minutes from town. got the view that the city doesn't have and realized that this ain't nowhere. you see me in the mix and hear me through the woods. you are as quiet as the breeze and i strain to move, to hear. i just got to be still. thinking about my friends back McDonough, but don't miss the house. wish You would buy it, know that you have the buyer right in front of you. move quickly Lord, cause this ain't nowhere.

hey,are you there

trying to get things where they are "supposed" to be. missed out on our time today because i was too busy. satan got his laugh, but i ain't done. trying to sort through my clutter of the heart. trying to find my passion in the mix, keeping busy and straining to hear, but you are waiting for me to slow down. forgive me again. thanks for the laugh that becki sent. i know Lord. you are listening.

living without

this mind blog is days old. been thinking about how it is to live again without a microwave. wondering how in the world moms made it before that grand invention. learning the hard way that it just takes more time and prep. you know, i think i can live without one of those things, but would rather not. know how it is to live without. now i want to live BIG.

sun burn

late November and it's cool outside. sitting at the computer and i just can't hide. windows encase me and the sun beams in. got this burn on my forehead and i don't want to pretend. i don't read minds. that is not my super hero gift. i am just super mom with a cape that is STILL ripped. tried to take it to the cleaners to have it repaired. forgot it at home with my lair. so this burn on my face runs me now from my chair.

looking

looking, searching. finding out that ears have eyes. and eyes have ears. they study. they pier into the windows that may seem closed. went for that walk. wasn't by myself. still heard the sound of another's wrestling feet. i stopped and searched for a face i didn't see. i know you live there. hear it every time i pass. you cause me to search and dig beneath the leaves. got this idea and pure knowledge that this is where you want me to be.

live like your...

know now that it was your voice. probably knew it then to and didn't harken to it. LIVE LIKE YOU ARE MOVING. would have saved me time and energy and could have done more things like spending one more hour with my friends. didn't do it. suffering the consequence of disobedience.

live like your moving means you are doing something, getting rid of the stuff you don't need and hanging onto the stuff that you just can't live without ... the necessities. dare you to move. pull up the dumpster and reserve you a uhaul. you will find that all you really need is the smallest one they make.... the uhaul of your heart.

black rings, clear tear ducts

black rings underneath them both. loving many and trusting in them. at least i know my tear ducts work now. got a lot to do. and really overwhelmed on the inside. trying to push on and pretend that it will all get done. making time for what is important to ME. tiffany didn't know she worked with cry babies.

where'd she go

i heard that song, there she goes.... just wondering where'd she go? got that cape on again. trying to be super mom and super employee, along with all the other super charged roles today. trying my best to not get overloaded or frustrated in my move or lack of a move toward packing. holding out with my date with my friend.... last moment of one on one counseling with the pastor's wife... now we both are. sometimes i wish she'd just unload on me like i have her. guess it is all part of that spacial thing and trusting and confiding. Lord, what will i do without her when we move? guess i should fix my cape.

there she goes

feeling torn between the here in the midst of the clutter boxes and the need to minister to my friend. got to do something but who what when. feel her sadness through the email line. both are good which one is best. got so much on my plate, no time for rest. help me to just have time to do lunch with her on Thurs.

are you there, God, it's me cindy

never in all 4 moving times, have i ever cried so much. i mean, i have cried before. i really don't know why number 5 and tons of tears all means. we are leaving some special friends and connections. i just don't know why the sad heart. i pouted out to you tonight. i want great faith, believe that we are following after you, Lord. and then i hear this song being sung in the kitchen of my heart.... it's the end of the word as we know it.....

i believe You can sell our house in these hard economic times... even when my Christian friends have that doubting look on there face.... as if YOU, God, are having bad economic times too. i know you have called us and you can do the unbelievable, indescribable. we just want you to USE us. take this feeble attempt to serve you as an offering some how.

reason

8 years ago, we were at a small church for 9 months. the experience left me scratching my head and clawing at my heart. some times we doubt God and we question experiences. yes, even ministers do this. then, when the time is right and the fruit is ready, the harvest comes. and yet, sometimes we never see the fruit. but when we do, it just reminds us of one more reason why we do what we do..... sacrificing home, FAMILY, friends and the familiar to chart out new territories that God beacons us to..... one more opportunity to slice a piece off our hearts and give it away.

i have sat and cried again today. bet you don't want to hear that. thanks noah for reminding me of why God calls the regulars in this world. your heart is so pure. your love for God is so real and even we couldn't have taught you that. makes me want to be more aware of who i come into contact with. don't have that much longer here. we must move on.

write me off

heart full of stuff and it is all mixed up. now know why waiting isn't so bad as it once seemed. don't write me off yet. i got a trailer load that needs a mover to move out. heavy heart and don't know where to begin. just need to unload and just need a listening ear of my friend.

two way street

two way street she drives alone. she sits and sobs she doesn't have a cell phone. she tries, or she thinks to make him understand. standing on a roof now shouting as loud as she can. things must be done.... you think they both could see. there is no i in the word we. her pen is her hand, she types and hits undo. she dies to herself, that's the end of the girl name Lu.

buggin me

trying my best to do the right thing. felt sick yesterday morning and went on to work anyway. that is what good sick employees do. only to come home and find my husband has been home since 11 filling the toilet with all of his bugs. pushing forward and still fill sick today, wish this bug would stop buggin me and us. even the dog got the bug. got to keep going so we can make a non sick appearance at the church tomorrow.

fork in the road

been walking for 4 years in this desert. i am hot and tired to just be honest. as i top the hill i notice that i have come to a fork in the road. the fork splits suddenly as the other lingers on. i must now decide. what if i make the wrong choice? will it throw me 4 years out 0f the way or will it bring me closer to home? i lay this, too, at your feet. you know that we want what you want.... but we don't want to have to decide. put a road block in the way if you must.... just don't let us mess up the decision that we make.

hold fast

reading this morning and heard that song again. hold fast, help is on the way...... He will save the day. i don't know if that is hope for the now or for what is coming. hold fast.

broken down

you have had a long week or maybe long year or long decade. your hopes haven't fallen, though the hard time(s) has/have shattered and slivered a chunk of your heart, you keep moving forward with mustard seed faith and you WAIT once again. glimpses of who you were and a mirage of who you want to be lying on the sand. yet, you still keep moving forward, longing for a gallon of cool water.... part to pour across your brow and the other.... of course to drink. you know it is just around the corner, so you keep moving forward. the sun's heat is almost more than you can stand. you know that this is just part of the process of being broken. you muster up the strength to go on. many things have been shed on this journey. you wonder who you are at the moment. then you focus once again on that mirage. is it real or is it just a figment of your imagination? you sit for a while. you try to cool off and catch your breath. you stand again and remember the blessings of brokenness.

second wind

so, by the looks of this body, you know i am not a runner. feel like i am run to death some days and wonder how ever other mom/super hero does it. feeling nearly dead all day.... literally about to fall over, could barely stand.... trying to clean up and pack and do the duties of super mom and now eyes wide open and can't get off the computer. talk about a second wind.

going under the knife

i know what you are thinking and i haven't been in surgery. i did go under the knife today though. i been sayin that i was gonna shave my head. i didn't but came close to it. finally went and got this mop cut and looks and feels sooo much better. guess we will see if I can do anything with it in the morning.

that lady

a lady that i haven't seen in a while came by the house today. she said she wanted to steam my upstairs for free! i let her have it and now it looks sooooo much better. wish she would have had time to do the down stairs too. as she left, she asked what i had done with my broom. guess super mom has flown the coop.

turquiose tears

did lunch with with my friend today. had so much buried down and trying not to let it out. somehow she has this way of pulling info out of me without trying. then i made her cry. my heart cried with her. wish i could do something to help. makes my problems seem so small when i see her blaming herself for her oldest child's decisions. dear, it's not your fault.

second coat

i am by no means an expert painter, however i wouldn't consider myself to be a beginner. as many times as i have painted and gotten paint in my hair and on my clothes, i still know that there can't possibly be a paint that requires only one coat ( and don't try to correct me.... i have even painted with that stuff that says "one coat")

we get in a hurry some days.... just wanting to get the whole exterior of the house painted while we are only using a paint brush. it ain't gonna happen.... partly because of the size of the brush and the other part, because it is gonna take a second coat. our lives are like that too. we want to be who God created us to be..... which is a very noble thing, but we want it now and we don't want Him to apply a second coat. it all takes time and we don't like to wait.

Lord, thank you that you are STILL working on me. you alone know that i need the maintenance. and i alone know i want the second coat to stick so i need time for the first coat to dry. just seems like this coat has taken forever.

created to be

window shopping on ebay. looking at those expensive dresses and wondering if they are really me. wondering who i am, style wise, and who i am meant to be. trying to find that perfect one, the one that makes me look like a miracle, and makes even my husband's head turn. still wondering who i am and who i am supposed to be. prefer to throw on that favorite pair of jeans with a nice top, but is that really me inside of me? maybe it's all the self confidence that needs a boost. i still sit and wonder if i could ever live up the the role of the PW. maybe that is what God's trying to show me. i just might not fit in the expected box..... and maybe that is just how HE intended for me to be.

famous resume's

you can read those famous resume's in the Bible.... they were shipwrecked, beaten, stone to death and much more. sounds so glamorous and then you have your own resume. lost job 3 times, was dirt poor, lived miles away from loved family and felt abandoned by even some Christians in the church, got a speeding ticket, car wrecked 3 times, sent out dozens of resumes to no avail, 2 times lightning struck the house... messing up the answering machine and the computer, kicked out of the church, car wouldn't start, survived a hurricane, etc. guess we all have our resume list. guess mine might sound glamorous to someone. just wanting a break. that big break.

change

got to do it. can't go with God and sit where you are. easier said than done when you have never moved before. living in the same house for over 20 years.... same routine, same agenda, same good but old way it has always been. no, change isn't always easy or approved. but, change is always needed if you are on the Go with God. Think about it like this, God is driving. You are along for the ride. The scenery changes as the car moves. who knows. change isn't always a bad thing. i am ready for the ride.

buying time

wondering why they didn't call back. think God was letting us buy a little time to pray together. wondering though. just wondering. glad nates sand box is full as of today. looks nice and all again. he dug til almost dark when i made him come in. wanting to tie up lose ends and needing, oh how you will never know, next weeks break week. Lord, bring me rest even from the neighborhood kids.

target

not talking about the store this time. talking about missing the mark. sometimes we get so focused or distracted by even good and great things.... like trying to please God and wanting to do the right thing that we miss the mark all together. sometimes the answer that we have been praying and searching for is right under our noses.

Lord, ya see me. ya know i am helpless and can't even decide on which shoes to wear... partly because i got too many......and the other half because i just can't decide. please, Lord, don't let me screw up this thing that may as well be you in the flesh. ya know i just need you to carry me to wherever you want me. then i can't praise myself and will know for sure that i hit the mark. feel like i am shootin' with that flimsy bow and arrow, when you just want me to pick up that super nerf gun from aunt wendy. nonetheless Lord, here i am, the stupid, helpless one that somehow, you have chosen.

no if's

no if's ands or buts about it. It is all or nothing baby. just semi day dreaming about what could happen IF only i would move out of the way of God. yep, no if ands or buts about it. this sissy's got to let the Driver drive.

on hold or holding on?

ever felt like that? are you on hold or holding on to what seems like the end of your rope? been there myself. know that i am doing this for someone else, maybe even the person reading this. got to keep on though. still reading my book and praying. still got a glimpse of hope, just don't want the flame to die down... keep blowing on the coals, keep fanning into flames. watch for the smoke to rise. know it is coming and you guys will be able to find me on this island. know i am not alone out here.... just maybe i am the only one talking.... talking to myself.

ready and willing

ready and willing to do what it takes, she bends her back and picks up the rake. knowing it all will be worth it someday, but for now she is willing to do what it takes. waiting on a call or a voice from above. it all takes a sacrifice that some are not willing to make. sacrifice. that doesn't mean that it is given to you on a plate. sacrifice, to suffer a loss, to give up, to sell as a loss, to deny something precious will i do what it takes?

never done

just reminded that i should not criticize for some thing that i have never done or haven't been willing to do myself. i can't lead where i won't go. i can't love unless i am willing to show (love).

chance

no happenstanace. no such thing as chance... just in need of an opportunity, an open door.

little brother

outstretched on the floor, he snores. one ear rises and falls again. guess he heard what he needed and wasn't interested this go around. seems a little sad, because big brother left on a trip without him. trying now to give him some one on one. scared him when i spoke to him... up he jumped barking like a tough man.... now wagging his nub. give me that rope boy. yeah. I know you want to play.

give up

we are supposed to give up. we really are. we can't fight by ourselves. we must give up. give (it) up to God. Even financially. Give up to God.

thinking about a movie i saw with some friends recently. wouldn't recommend it, but it did have a neat thought. it was called sliding doors. basically was all about how our lives would be different if we would have gone through another door instead of the one we went through... or if we would have waited 5 seconds later on doing something. the outcome would possibly be slightly different or major different.

i believe that God is interested in the right time, the right attitude and the right place. Lord, help me to choose to walk through the right door at the right time with the right attitude.

satan's 3's

Deceive
Distract
Discourage

turning 5

whirl wind of a day, working then cooking and cleaning and heading to walmart..... need I say more, getting the cupcakes and balloons. i am about to fall over. he's about to be 5. keep thinking that i will wake up from this dream and he will be holding his bottle all over again. i love him soooo much. still wish we could have and could give him that one thing that i know he wanted and still wants. my heart sinks. when will this all be over and we can give him that. or heck, just try. still can't believe that 5 years ago one of the best things that ever happened to me became a reality.

diving board

standing on the end, my toes extended and grasping to the board, i wonder to myself if the water is cold or even if i should dive in. the rage of emotions fill me. 10 pounds too heavy and a heart overwhelmed, i plead for a moment of sanity and from out of no where, someone pushes me in. my dive has become a shove. my attempt to make my gift to You beautiful has become a mere feeble attempt to make nothing more than an unsightly splash.

here i am Lord. my feeble attempts and unsightly mess of a person. my zits and my sweat, all to say i can't and never could. only you can. saw that amazing gift and that even large debts can be paid. (church debt paid in full) longing to be next in line for YOUR blessing. longing to be the one that could have done that for you. i know you see my heart and sometimes i am ashamed of that. i emerge from the pool, fully soaked, with my hands palm up. i have nothing to give.... but myself.

under the hood

never think to look there. just hop in and go. guess it is one of those woman faith things. battery not starting the hood is unlatched. corrosion galore. No wonder. trying and trying with a new clean battery in tow. Lord let this be the answer.

the 3's

heavy helpless hurting
pressed prayed plan
dried depressed dead

All In

i am a thief in some regards, stealing tid bits from here and there. wanting to be "all in" like pastor ritchie said.

feeling SEA SICK from ridding in this boat during this 4 year long hurricane. too poor to buy the book (One Month to Live by Kerry and Chris Shook) i scan the pages in this second trip to the bookstore.

Erma Bombeck "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say 'I used everything you gave me.'

William Shedd " A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for."

Winston Churchhill " If you are going through hell, keep going."

reeled in

standing on the shore line with an old cane pole in hand, she slings the line towards the still water with one thing on her mind. she knows there is something out there. she dreams about what it may look like, what the color it will be and the size. the non expecting swimmer snags the hook with her leg. she wasn't asking to be caught, thought she was fine just doing her thing. she is now being reeled into something far beyond her dreams.

so happy being able to serve. very happy with what little i can do. i now am the one standing on the bank with my warped pole and rusty hook. dreaming myself of something bigger than me. i wait for the tug of the line and a snag of the hook.

relief

guess you know how it feels to have to go to the bathroom really bad. used to hold it for 8 hours on a youth trip. feeling the awe of letting it go only to fill up on more drinks and do this all over again. felt some relief yesterday when ashley hired me! just don't want to let her down.

crossing the line

had issues with summer camp director from day one. don't really know the why's to it all. confused with where i am supposed to be and what i'm supposed to do, i draw my line in the sand and step across. waiting for a hopeful end to the matter. i sit here on my island of sand. saw the shark in the water and the boat that went by. prayed again and waved to the pilot. didn't know it was You. the shark rears its ugly head again. Now I am ready for you to let down the rope so i can climb on. Guard my decisions Lord.

heavy heart

checked the website for the school i have applied to work at again today. the position i had applied for is no longer there. in fact, there are no postings for that school at all now. i sit, not really disappointed, but more like panicked at what to do. if you are reading this you know our situation. i know that i should just be trusting and faith should just bubble out. i have a heavy heart. your back would break if you knew how truly heavy this is. so i sit and ponder again. Jesus, just show up and show out. Amen and amen.

united or untied

united or untied. the only difference in the spelling is the placing of one letter. which one are you?

blog for me for you

guess we all get busy, have times of clutter and confusion.... no time for quiet and life just gets loud. feel like the guy with the angel on one of his shoulders and the world screaming in his ear on the other. 2 more weeks of summer camp and it has really flown by. the kids are great, but wondering where I will move on to from here. praying to you Lord, that I don't have to make nate suffer and drag him to afterschool after a long day of kindergarten. i know YOU got it all in the works... but my waiting is just about to send me over the edge. i can only imagine 40 years in the wilderness... we are on number 4 right now. God, please don't make us go through much more.

shoe boy

worn toes but not worn soles. her son can't walk. he crawls on the floor. has to be age 5 or more. made me sad to see his fate.

snorkel

in over my head with just a tube barely sticking out for air. they call this thing a snorkel. i gasp for just a little bit of air. so close to the surface that water comes in when i breathe once again. see the light of the sun just above me, but feel trapped in this ocean surrounding me. i look down at the coral below. it's beauty makes me question why it is hidden. searching for which direction to take. i stand up. the water is just a foot above my waist.

laughing to myself

made a new friend at work from south africa. she was telling me how in south africa the handicapped drive automatic cars and everyone else drives a stick.

blood on my hands

with an epidemic scare of aids and other diseases, one would think they would use more precautions working with kids and stuff. loading the bus today a kid screamed out and with the instinct of a parent I ran to his aid. he had a nose bleed. i didn't think, i didn't have time. just cupped my hands under his nose. by the time i got him to the front of the bus, i had his blood on my hands. who's blood do you have on yours?

batman band aids

satan always wants to mess up a God day. i haven't had much time to blog since I started my summer camp job so let me catch you up. Last sunday while getting ready for church, i got tangled in the hair straightener cord. needless to say, it came tumbling off the counter and fell straight on my leg.... just like my leg was the hair.... hot metal on the side and front of my right leg. i have to have 3rd degree burns on it. the skin immediately fell off. do i need to say how painful this was and still is? but now i am the cool mom wearing batman band aids.

all ya got

tomorrow will be two weeks of summer camp over and just 6 more to endure. hasn't really been that bad. more conflicts with new employer than the kids. having a moment early this week where I just wanted to give up and quit. then God reminded me that i am not working for HER, i am working for HIM and these kids. so i am giving it all i got now and just avoiding her as much as possible. guess i am doing it my way and not too worried.... taking the initiative and pressing forward. thank you GOD that i am working with the right person.

forgetting how to love

saying things without making a complete thought, words all jumbled, not the truth. hurting of the one i love in a moment of not thinking it through. forgetting for a moment how to love with my words and now my best friend bares a scar. this time i hit the bullseye of your tender, compassionate heart. words of forgiveness are spoken, but deep down i know the truth. the words that were spoken have left something that maybe forgiveness cannot remove.

12 chocolate chip cookies

my best friend's mom always said that the road to hell was paved with good intentions. i bought a dozen choc. chip cookies and was going to take them to our new neighbor yesterday. i procrastinated, but the dog didn't. when i left this morning the box was still there, screaming my name. this afternoon the box was under the dining table with not a crumb to show. i will probably have a sick dog tonight.

heart strings 2

over did it on friday and didn't eat lunch or take my meds. guess i just wanted to be like normal people. over did it again yesterday by going to the pool and doing grocery shopping, changing sheets, and all that stuff. dragging today with a long week in sight. i'll be out the door before 7:20 and won't be home until almost 7pm only to get up and do it everyday next week. want to just lay down for a long summer's nap. guess i am pulling at my own heart strings. cried and poured out this morning. hope you heard me Lord. can't go on like this. you alone know that.

crazy hair and worship in my head

got my hair cut the other day. was sooooo excited until i went to pay. tried to give this stylist another chance. she used a ton of hairspray....more than i used in the 80's and added curls. i have no idea what she was thinking. i looked nothing like the pic. and i think i scared the girl at the register. all rinsed and gone by the time I got home and my ends are at least happy and singing. got andrew leading worship in my head without the band.... let us sing, louder than creation to You, for the pain you bore in your body, to bring my soul to You. (just our voices)

maintenance or miracle

most people go to the hair salon for one of two reasons... maintenance or a miracle. for 6 months i have neglected to maintain my hair. i have gone without a hair trim or cut. finally, after driving me completely nuts, i am going for an appointment on Wed. i am unsure of what i really want the end results to be. guess i am just wanting a miracle.

so many of us do the same thing spiritually. we don't maintain. we don't like the maintenance part and just prefer the miracle.

dilemma number 2 the shoe

shopping at the thrift store, she finds a shoe that fits her perfectly and wants it but the mate is missing. clutching it with dear life, she pillars through the stuff. when she notices another person who is looking for the other mate of HER shoe. they both become aware of it and neither lays one down. the game has begun. neither will leave, would die first. after 30 minutes and reality of not giving in, person number one hides her shoe and moves on towards the check out line. neither will win without the fight or a real easter egg hunt. person number one knows what she is doing isn't right, but if she can't have her way, why should the culprit of the mis mate shoe?

into me

saw you staring at me. wondered if i had a bugger on my nose or something in my hair.... and it could have been the hair. full attention made me feel strange. it was like you were peering beyond my appearance and into my soul. Lord you do really see me and it does make my feel guilty and unworthy. just want to be made right with You. stopped to water the rose bush and noticed a hopeful bloom.

blue thumb

trying to make a flower bed better, i dig, i pull and remove. i really don't have a green thumb. Nathan says my thumb is blue. and I know I don't have a clue. i trim and try to cut off what I think is dead. hopefully i am saving that shrub. it looks better in my opinion, but that is coming from someone with a blue thumb.

the rescue

Reading today in the Message

2 Cor. 1:4
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.

2 Cor.6:4-11
Don't frustrate God's work by showing up late.... Our work as God's servants gets validated - or not- in the details... People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly... in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we're beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we're telling the truth, and when God's showing his power; when we're doing our best at setting things right; when we're praised, and when we're blamed; slandered and honored; true to our word though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, thought rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; LIVING ON HANDOUTS, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it ALL.

fruit of the land

picked strawberries again yesterday and i froze some... making a pie for a friend today. Nathan, Jon and I had a blast yesterday picking. had a million sermon ideas of my own popping through my head. couldn't help but to pray that more fruit would come from that place.... and i am not just talking about the kind you eat.

jon got to talking about how we as the church sometimes sit and soak and rot on the vine.... sure know how that feels. a church like that doesn't see its full potential or fruitfulness. the ones that are put into service can become something that they weren't. some are picked for pies, some for jams and some just to be themselves... yum.

there were weeds galore in the strawberry patch.... due to not tending. that made it difficult to find the fruit and took longer to pick. i am positive the weeds choked out the potential for a better harvest.

looking at the weeds in my own life. guess i need tending too. wanting my harvest to double and triple. so that i can eat of the fruit of the land.

willing to go with you God wherever you lead. the path seems weedy and i just can't quiet see the way or the fruit. would go through any open door you set for me, but i can't even see the door.

heart strings

tape measure in hand, i measure the shoe... wondering what size will fit. knowing the measurement of the shoes on the screen and now knowing how big your foot actually is gives me the answer. wondering how big my heart actually is, i try to measure something that i can't actually see. i am left measuring only what my heart has done or wants to do.... what other people can see or what remains covered... hidden in the depths of me.

big boy school

my week hasn't been bad. in fact i partly feel normal. nathan went and got 4 big boy shots on Tues so he can go to k in Aug. he went with me today and we registered for the big K. wasn't bad at all. even took a tour and saw Isaiah and Sam in their classes. time has flown. and now we are moving on to big boy school.

deep end

standing at the end of the diving board, wearing my size 5 swimsuit, swarms of emotions fill me. i am not crazy about even this height and not a big fan of swimming. i ponder what got me here to begin with. i am hot and really need a cool down, so i plunge into the deep, blue water and emerge with a deep breath. my skin all cooled now, i swim to the shallow end. when my foot strikes the concrete, i stop swimming and begin to wade around searching for the steps.

approaching the end

sitting comfortably in the back of an old pickup, i glance to my left and see you running and waving. you run parallel to the railroad track in hopes that you can catch the truck and embrace me. i wonder to myself who i am and who you are to even want me. even in this dream my heart cries... yet somehow you out run the truck and meet me there..... wherever there is. with arms open wide and a smile, i am captivated by your embrace. and i guess this is how i approach the end of my dream.

yummmmmm

went and picked strawberries today. yummmm. those things had to have fallen straight from heaven. nathan and i ate and picked. i think we will both be sick from eating too many. froze some for a rainy day too.

your serve

what's your serve looking like? are you willing to serve where God has you today or just where you want to be? service is not so much about where you are or why you are but that you are. it's my turn now. i will serve.

swingset and running

guess you know about my week at school. all i can do is sigh. seems like an unending battle some days. trip and fall and get up with a black eye. i shake my head. satan just wants me to give up and quit. thought about it. then i heard this

Heb. 12:2 (message) Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in.... He never lost sight of where he was headed.... he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever....others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through... So don't feel sorry for yourselves...."

better me

was thinking about how we sometimes become better people when we hang out with people that motivate us to be better. now sometimes we know that that is why we hang out with them, sometimes it takes awhile for us to realize it. and then sometimes those people don't always know that they are motivating us to become better people. kind of confusing i am sure. i can tell by the look on your face.

i have this new friend that literally fell from heaven and she makes me laugh, feel sane and hey,she motivates me to be better. just wondering if there is anyone in my life that looks at me that way?

monkey back rides

kids do say silly things sometimes. last night nathan was trying to hop on my back and said "mama, come on, give me a monkey back ride." i laughed and told him it was called a piggy back ride . so in his frustration, begged for the piggy back ride. then spent 10 minutes trying to convince him that i only gave monkey back rides and no piggy back rides. he finally agreed and hopped on. i have to say, the kid had it right. a monkey back ride looks more right than the piggy back.

motivated to sale

it's gonna rain and i know it. and it is not because my right leg and elbow are aching. i just know my God. He is faithful to give us what we need, when we need. Not what we want, when we want it. started cleaning again and throwing away and making a stack to take to the thrift store. i want to be ready. getting my umbrella out, cause i am expecting it to pour. no need to wait. I will be ready.

to infinity and beyond

as a parent, i often make bad choices. sometimes i make good choices, but not great choices. today i made all three. the best choice today was going to fly the buzz lightyear kite with Nathan. it was a beautiful day and one i will never forget. thanks, nathan, for helping me make a memory that will last to infinity and beyond

sane

having a sane moment today. Lord, don't let this feeling end. actually cleaned a bit and didn't feel overwhelmed or frustrated. not perfect by anymeans, but sure beats what it looked like. ran the vac all over the house, and dusted the corners and some wood work too. even sprayed some fabreeze and washed a few loads. wow. i am amazed at my self... for the moment

washer

having a moment of successful unplanned cleaning when down below a young child says "mama, it's making that noise again!" i tune my ears and hear it too. i run downstairs and push the button. it stops. i rearrange the items and start again. the joys of having an unbalanced washer. just reminded me that no one has the perfect life or anything for that matter. it is all about balance.

stuck in the mud

setbacks, failure, discouragement, defeat. seems like when you finally feel that your wheels are now on pavement, something happens and sets you back into the mud. just needed some time of blessing and fruitfulness. now i have to pay a day or more wages each week to have my son with me at work this summer. just want to put on my cape and fly away. kim, can i borrow your broom?

dilemma

my friend has this dilemma. she thinks that when her neighbor walks her dog, that the dog poops in her yard and the neighbor isn't taking the package with her. what should my friend do? she admits that she has considered putting the package in an envelope and placing it at her neighbor's door or in her mailbox. my argument was, did you see the dog do it? No. but she believes with all that is in her that the dog is leaving his package and she could be very well right. which brings me to the age old question.... what would Jesus do? i laugh to myself at this one. my friend is the pastor's wife. she knows good from bad and right from wrong. yet this dog thing is aggravating her. (i could say the same for dirty socks on the floor!) maybe she should go door to door and hand out boxes of dog poo bags to all the neighbors. or better yet, while her neighbor is sleeping, dress in black and slide a box of poo bags on the front door rug. i don't have the answer. that is just part of loving your neighbor... regardless of the crap. Jesus didn't say it would be easy, but worth it.

reservoirs

Delores Kuenning (Helping People through Grief as quoted in Quiet Times for Parents) "We cannot suddenly draw from deep reservoirs of faith within ourselves if nothing has been done to nurture our spiritual lives in the past...."

fish buffet

Luke 9;17 " So they all ate and were filled...."

All this to say that had to be broken first, before they were filled. This was a true buffet.

one foot off the ground

having faith is a lot like the guy on the side of the cliff hanging on to a twig. he knows he is going to fall and is holding on for dear life..... only to find that if he lets go he is one foot off the ground. my pastor asked in his blog, if it is easier to trust that our bank account is sufficient or to say God will provide? i have to be honest and say that i've been on both sides of that fence. i reach beneath the surface of who i am and know which one makes me feel more secure. i hang my head in shame.... yet a piece of me is in that other place.... knowing there is no way out of this hole, this cliff without Him, so i must trust, must believe that His hand could reach down and pull us up. i know when we finally let go of the twig i will have a lot of stories to tell of all He has brought us through. my only question is why am i not doing it now?

spider man @ l pm

still doing and playing around the house @ 1 PM. he is spider man with play dough in his hands. just an hour left and we are out the door. finally convincing him to take a bath. i keep on.''

Luke 11:9
"And so I tell you, KEEP ON asking, and you will receive what you ask for. KEEP ON seeking, and you will find. KEEP ON knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, THE DOOR WILL BE OPENED."

pain reliever

saw nathan's pain reliever sitting by the sink. true pain reliever can't be bought over the counter or behind the counter for that matter. just thinking of those who need to find relief and try to find it any where but up.

Hosea 10:12 "It is time to seek the Lord."

10 cent sweater

can't get my mind to slow down so that i can think today. longing deeply to sit like Mary but knowing the feelings of Martha. having my feelings of craziness again. just want things where they are supposed to be. can't catch up for piling more clothes in the wash. no time to deal with the clean pile. my frustration mounts. i have no energy and things begin to spin. i wonder about my self and how all this has come to a head. my choices of today and yesterday mingle. Lord, you know I haven't made the best choices in the past. Forgive me of my laziness and bitter feelings. i seek my silent space.... inner peace and outer peace. want to have that JOY again. wondering what really drives me and him. give him a peace and show him what You are really thinking. lack of embrace hurts me spiritually. wanting him to grasp hold of YOU.... while i wear my ten cent sweater.

the fence

she wrote of James chapter 4. she said she had told it all to God before. wanting and taking and wanting again. she asked with wrong motives and didn't receive. She begs to be humble and wants off the fence. she is reminded that it doesn't exist. she sees a line on the floor and knows that she must chose.... to live and to walk only in HIS shoes.

a buck twenty five

dressed up and ready. she spent a buck twenty five on it all. proud of her accomplishments, her head high, she walks tall. you wouldn't know it by the way she is dressed. little money, but outward appearance says success. she sits at her computer with a million things on her mind. she would keep typing, but she doesn't have time. the dog at her feet begs to go out, she stops she goes a super hero now.

dust

trying to clean. i've been away for a week. left the house in a hurry and things strowed. picking up the pieces and trying to do it all again, i sit now for a break with a dusty rag in hand. things look better down stairs. one more flight to go and probably won't get to it today. and then it will be one room at a time until it gets done. closet cleaned out and revamped from yesterday, makes me like it in there one more time. just wish i could keep it like that. i sigh and move on. dusty rag in the hamper now and eggs boiling on the stove. i move on. can't stay here and go with God.

paying YOUR debt

had one of my lessons this week. a woman hadn't read the ad completely and bid on something she though was new. in my mind i argued it out. i reread the ad. she should have read more carefully. she offered to pay what she bid but didn't want them shipped. after agreeing to just take that and relist them, i heard the voice..... I paid YOUR debt, now YOU can pay hers. i inwardly agreed and was ready to pay the price when.... someone else bid.

weeds

passing by them every day, just wanting them to disappear not wanting to spend MY time on them. tried that stuff once to pour on them. it got them alright and everything living in their sight. so now the only way to go, pull them each up by their own roots. a lot of work goes in to this, i sweat and thirst appears again.

25 cents

my son was invited to a b party by the neighbor kid, sam, who is sweet as he can be. so off we flew today to the bowling ally for the celebration. i met his mom and the other parents and guest of the party and tried to mingle. maybe i have just sheltered my self from the lost, or maybe i have just been blind to the opportunities around me. i don't know but i was shocked at the kind of party his mom had had last night, and seeing her gay friends all over each other just made me freeze and i didn't know what to say. so again God, i didn't stand. could have at least mentioned church, but chose to stare, inwardly, my mouth gapped open. know for sure i could have just tried. please Lord, let this be found as some form of repentance. help me to look beyond who they are and what they do to be a witness for you. And please Lord, don't let me sale you Son for 25 cents.

in my head

tossed and turned again last night. finally resorting to the couch. couldn't shut off my mind blog until really late or really early. trying to use my awake time wisely, i prayed for my friends cat and wondered how i may have missed You in all this today. trying to be more aware of Your presence, i poke and prod, did i even see You today? was that You in the hall, was that You in the car beside mine or were you behind the eyes of the girl at the register? have i missed You, ignored You for the 21st time today?

don't preach to me

got that feeling again. don't mean to be preachy. just want to move on and have real joy again. don't want to force the same feeling on you. or heck, maybe i just want you to catch it too. count me in. i am gonna do and keep moving forward regardless of the funk on our tires. i am not gonna stay stuck here. maybe it's that moment of positive thinking. i create my own excitement just thinking that i am wanted and needed somehow in the church we are in. who knows what even this may become. don't just want to sit down for a service... when it's my time to serve.

Acts14:22
"We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God."

thinking

had someone in the family say something to my husband without thinking.... had to not be truly thinking. know she has no idea how that has impacted him and wounded his already bruised and bloody spirit. just want to prove them ALL wrong now. just want to say i can't, we can't but God can.

Mark 11;12 "Have faith in God."

Morning and Evening: Little faith will save a person, but little faith can't do GREAT things for God.

cool bone

getting ready and trying to look nice, it's lunch with the pastor's wife. wondering what she's thinking and what she thinks about me, I pull out the longest bone that i can find. got my cool bone in, yet trying to act myself. Hearing God say "My grace is sufficient for you(2 cor. 12:9).... you can take the cool bone out."

Morning and Evening March 4
"God's grace is illustrated and magnified in the poverty and trial of believers. Saints bear up under every discouragement, believing that all things work together for their good, and that out of apparent evils a real blessing shall ultimately spring- that their God will either work a deliverance for them speedily, or most assuredly support them in the trouble, as long as He is pleased to keep them in it..... There is a lighthouse out at sea..... if the winds did not blow upon it, we should not know how firm and secure it was."

strawberry farm

enjoyed our time picking strawberries last year and sure loved eating them with you. thought we'd do that again this year, but our church is building right on top of the berries we picked. guess our harvest will be a little different this year. and perhaps, we can find another place to pick our berries.

einstein

how many times does one have to fail to become a failure? how many times does one have to succeed to be successful? just once in our world. But consider einstein or other famous counterparts. they had to fail to succeed. they had to keep pushing forward.

dead tree

in a back yard, dead and all. in hopes that this ugly tree will fall. winter rain and winter wind. pounding down, again and again. the sun comes out and i can see the tree that's dead is alive indeed. with beautiful flowers and leaves anew, is this me 0r is this you?

heavy hurting hopeless

was working on this thought during church this morning. even the mind of a minister's wife can wonder occasionally. we all have heavy hearts sometimes. we all hurt, for either ourselves or others. and there are just times when we feel so overwhelmed that we just feel hopeless.

Jacob stole Esau's blessing even though Issac questioned the voice he still was swayed by what he felt... the hairy goatskin which he thought was the arms of the oldest son. we hear the voice of God, yet we turn and go in the opposite direction because it just feels right. obedience is better than sacrifice yet sacrifice is often part of the obedience. obedience is better than what feels right. know that God is always right regardless of the feeling.

hero's hero

who's your hero? who's your hero's hero?

locked out

i have spent days being locked out. couldn't remember my pass word for nothing. Now I am starting over with a new one. trying to catch my second wind.... again. caught it last night only to lose it once more. reading about someone who did good and even great things only to have done them for selfish reasons. Lord, don't let that be me again.

serious now

i want to get your attention now. i know you see me and hear my pleas, now i sit seriously. limit the intake and take that away. getting the house in order and throwing away. i want to be ready when it is time to leave. less frustration then if we will do what you say today. please don't punish me for things someone else is not ready to remove. i sit now. i am serious.

sleeping on the couch

not at all what you are thinking. no fight except for sleep. up for hours tossing and turning. snoring dog and snoring man. Knew i was keeping you both awake. finally decided the couch i would take.

letting go

a chunk of my heart when down the street today. he's at someone's house that I don't know. handicapped by my eye injury. i am out of control. i cannot see. i suppose this is my lesson on letting go. wanting to grasp and hold on to the reigns, i release the grip. in 10 years or so, i will have to completely loosen these strings. thank you God for given him to me.

the simple life

just wanting the simple life. get rid of the clutter and unused, unneeded things. cleaning and washing would just be sooooooooo much easier. upkeep and the maintaining would be less of a head ache. my heart hurts. having way toooooo much of a hard time communicating what i REALLY am trying to say. super mom has no desire to even find her cape today. the stuff piles up again. there's the newspaper and the stack of unread magazines, and the stuff i know we will never use or dare to prod. 12 copies of the same Bible addition and we sure don't need them all. wanting the simple, perfect life. the mask goes on again. it's hard to breathe. wanting to just sit and breathe it all in and enjoy just one more minute with YOU today.

patiently after

Hebrews 6:15
"And so AFTER waiting PATIENTLY, Abraham received what was promised."

confessions from a cluttered life

scene one: A woman sits disguised (she wears a wig and her voice has been altered) behind a screen. The lady fumbles around and doesn't want to be recognized by any on lookers.

The Interviewer: Today we sit here with uh, a lady from a local congregation. She states that she lives a rotten life.


Lady: I uh, I uh, don't know where to begin. It hasn't always been this way. In fact, uh, when my husband and I moved, I vowed to change. I got rid of ,uh, a lot of things. In fact, when we moved in everything kind of had a purpose and place.


The Interviewer: So what changed? Where did it all go wrong?

The lady fumbles with her purse and everything inside of it falls to the ground. Her lipstick rolls and she bends to retrieve it. Her head becomes in view of the tv camera. She quickly withdraws behind the screen once more.

The Lady: Uh, uh, I just don't know quiet for sure. I left boxes of stuff in the garage after we settled in the house. I never made time to remove them. And, uh, slowly I thought I had a need for items and would retrieve the boxes and bring them into the house.

The lady begins to sob.

The lady: I should have, I should have done away with the stuff. Now it has over taken me. It has over taken my family. I feel rotten. My home is, uh cluttered and I feel confused often. Please sir, Tell me that you can help, that someone can help. How do other's do it?

The interviewer: I can only tell you how I do it.

The lady: Please,sir, go on.

The interviewer: The trash must be taken out daily.

The lady sighs. Picks up her purse. Walks in full view of our camera and empties her purse into a trash can. Then reaches down into the can and retrieves her lip stick and her wallet. Then slowly walks out the door.

more than icecream

sitting in the drive thru a voice comes from behind my seat. i love you more than icecream. i smile and then we compete. i love you more than blue jeans... i love you more than chicken. i love you more than shoes......but no one loves you more than me.

going blind

thinking about my own vision and knowing it is far too well not the way it once was. i wonder when it changed and why i am just now noticing it. probably started one day when i was just too busy to stop and give up a little time for YOU. gradually, here a day, there a day and then it is just gone. wasn't a sudden thing, just over time.

Without a vision. the people perish.

invisible list

woke up and threw on the cape again. flew into all the rooms with the vacuum in one hand and my torn cape around my neck. laundry got thrown in and the cabinets got a sweep. somehow in my hurried tailspin i left my super belt and can't find it. now i am sitting to repair the cape again. my eyes scan the room in search of my hero belt. invisi girl hops up to save the day one more time. today she carries her invisible list.

rubber band

feeling like a rubber band... being stretched and pulled and stretched once more. read the other day about being flexible, not breaking, but bending. wondering some days where the time went and all this time feeling bent.

sittin' on the edge

saw him sitting on the edge of the outamon. knew what he was wanting. he sure wanted to jump and get it too. drool dripped. his eyes never flinched. his focus was straight ahead of him. yet he knew that i was watching his every move. he knew he would get a scolding had he pounced upon it. but he didn't listen and moved swiftly to his prey. bye bye waffle fries.

someone else's

just got off looking at someone else's blog. makes mine look really lame. had all this stuff that he'd been reading lately, and doing. makes me wonder about myself. don't know why i just can't or don't make time for all these things. need a clean slate. need what HE wants me to be doing. truly trying somedays. somedays grasping for straws.

glittering on the floor

sitting on the floor wrestling with the dog, a glimpse of something glittering catches my eye. i swipe the floor once, twice more. i pick the item up and my eyes pop. i look down at my ring. i am holding the loose diamond in my hands.

ring around the moon

saw the most unusual thing last night. there was a ring of light around the moon. really had me thinking that Jesus is getting closer to coming.

torn cape

sitting here overwhelmed and just mad with myself. can't do it all nor do i really want to. just want to sit down without a worry or a thing to do. trying to pin the cape to my super hero costume. darn thing got ripped on my last tail spin. how do they do it? wish i had the answer to that. they all seem so perfect and have order in their houses. maybe their capes never rip and they fly with all ease... or maybe their kids have capes and their husbands sling webs. then there is me... with a torn cape and an unlaced shoe.

live like

live like God is watching
pray like God is listening


it hasn't quiet hit me that when i get where i am going, i will be something that i am not.

towels and bleach

i just unloaded some whites from the dryer. I never really noticed that my towels weren't bright white anymore. i mean, i got them as a wedding gift years ago and i bleach them every so often. you would think they would be white as snow.today, i noticed one of my new towels mixed in with the old ones. how bright and really white it was and is. no matter how many times i bleach some of the old ones, they never really are pure bright white. i am still working on this one. He's still working on me.

white as sn0w, white as snow, though my sins are as scarlet, Lord you know, Lord you know, I am clean and forgiven......

web slinger

staring at the web slinger sitting on the desk. i wonder how my life became like this and if there is anything left to even give You. Another glance around the room and clutter fills this space. guess there's always bits and pieces we haven't quiet surrendered.

Jesus lead me to Your throne. Your grace glory and honor be known. Lord, You know just what I need. All of You and none of me. All of You and none of me.

leave the stones

reading about the removal of stones from a field and how they can be an advantage to the soil. we often are quick to cry out to God to remove them from our pathways which in the long run just takes away from all the abundant fruit that we would have yielded had we only allowed them to stay.

Father, don't put up with my grumbling heart when i have thorns or stones in my soil. You have a plan and know the whole end result if i will just yield to you. You are the vine, i am the branch. trim away, or leave the stones.

sitting in the parking lot

in my minds eye, i sit in the parking lot starring at my driver. deep down thinking when are we going to get out of here and get to some place, any place else but here. He smiles at me as though he can hear my feet tapping, hurry up. He looks away and down the road, as though He can see for miles. i roll my eyes and pray that He doesn't see me. i am getting annoyed. a tap tap of this fingers on the steering wheel causes me to look over. He smiles and shakes His head. this time He has my slight attention. silly me. He has been waiting on me all this time..... to buckle up.

stuffing it in

the garbage over runs again... been doing it for days. we stuff it in and ignore it one time more.... unloading could be done less than 50 steps away. piles upon piles. we step right over it. knowing all full well you want me, us to deal with it. just trying to keep up with bits and pieces, frustration mounts. and i know you can hear it and you see it on my face and worse on my heart. these small hours.... they slip away.

Psalm 37:24 "though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."